Dream Casting: The Traitors

I am just gonna say nine words: I swear to God that I am a Faithful.

Does anyone else feel empty without The Traitors on our tv every Thursday? We sure do. While we've moved on to watching old seasons of The Traitors UK, there's something special about these sub-A-list celebrity seasons we get in the States. To fill the void, and to follow the lead of so many others on the internet, we've decided to dream cast the next season, which we're already dying to see.

We have each made some picks, assigned Traitors and Faithfuls, and made some predictions about how we think they would do.

Patrick: Jonny Fairplay (Survivor), Shubham Goel (The Circle US), Sean Spicer (Dancing with the Stars)

When we decided to do this piece, I knew right away that my first pick would be Jonny Fairplay, best known for being the guy on Survivor: Pearl Islands who lied about his grandma dying. She was, of course, perfectly fine and at home "watching Jerry Springer" as he put it.* The guy invented lying on reality tv and this is the show where you lie more than any other. He'll be voted out right away because he's suspicious as hell, but seeing him in the castle will be enough for me. And, oh yeah, he wants to do the show - and said that his grandma wanted it too.

*She passed just a few weeks ago. Rest in piece, Grandma Fairplay.

Every good season of The Traitors needs some true-to-their-core Faithfuls. Nobody exudes Faithful energy like Shubham who was so damn likable on the first season of The Circle US because he's just so damn likable. Nobody would ever think that he's a Traitor...unless that's the exact reason that they think he's a Traitor.

I didn't even know Sean Spicer was on the reality show circuit, having done Season 28 of Dancing with the Stars. I just tried to think of the biggest dumbass I could, someone who would actually say yes because they have nothing else going on, and someone I would want to see embarrassed and voted out as soon as possible. Lucky me!

Taylor: Trisha Paytas (Podcaster), Ethan Klein (Podcaster), Shake Chatterjee (Love Is Blind)

When it comes to big personalities, it doesn’t get much bigger than Trisha Paytas. She’s been on the internet for as long as I’ve been consuming content, and while I can’t say I’m a historian of her lore (though many others are at this point), she’s too fun not to keep up with. The thing about Trisha is she’s uncancellable. You can hate her all you want, but she’s still on a sold-out national tour including a stint on Broadway. She will have fans split between biggest villain and biggest fan-favorite, but most importantly, she’ll be GREAT television. I nominate her as a Faithful.

I can’t say I am a fan of Ethan or H3H3, but we were all there for the fallout of his podcast with Trisha, Frenemies. If you’re unfamiliar, the basic lore is that Ethan is married to Hila, whose brother is Moses, who’s married to Trisha. And they all hate each other now! Ethan, like Trisha, will have fans split as you’re either in one camp or the other with these two. I say make him a Traitor, and while they hash out the Frenemies drama on air, Trisha can create her campaign against him. I don't know about you, but I need this ASAP.

If you listen to Two New Bombshells, then you know how Patrick and I feel about Love Is Blind. It’s the worst show on television and also I can’t get enough of it. It is the definition of a train wreck you can’t look away from. But, I believe Season 2 has been slept on due to recency bias, and it’s time for an all-time, notorious LIB villain (he’s also an actual villain, appearing on E!’s House of Villains in 2023) to make his return to our screen. Despite being a total tool and great TV (I’m going to be using that term a lot, so buckle up), I think he’d take this really seriously and end in a Wes-like rage. He would be Faithful, but you know he begged to be a Traitor.

Patrick: Omarosa (The Apprentice), Carly Reeves (Claim to Fame), DaxFlame (TikTok)

Omarosa was one of the OG reality tv show villains. She seems tailor-made for this cutthroat gig, and I think the opportunity for jokes would be abundant. Someone may argue that her time on Big Brother VIP and House of Villains is more than enough Omarosa screen time, but I would disagree.

You may have forgotten Carly Reeves, but I sure didn't. Her "claim to fame" was her disastrous meltdown on Claim to Fame when the other contestants figured out that she's related to Tom Hanks, embarrassing both him and herself in the process. Seriously, go watch it, it's an all-timer. I need that on The Traitors!

You may know DaxFlame from his recent ventures on TikTok, but I have a long, storied history with this man and his weird little YouTube videos that goes back almost twenty years now. I have been trying to figure out this guy, his deal, and his persona, for as long as I can remember. He's the perfect candidate for the Faithful that's just super suspicious because no one will ever be able to get a good read on him.

Taylor: Mike White (Survivor), Jinkx Monsoon (RuPaul’s Drag Race), Lily Benson (Big Brother UK)

I’m going to be honest, I haven’t seen Mike White’s season of Survivor, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t been on my TV screen each week for the past year via The White Lotus (we were late to the party and just binged the whole series ahead of the new season). From what I have seen, he’s clearly a fun-loving, down-to-earth guy, and he’d be a great addition to this cast of large characters. He’d be a Faithful and drink too much wine at the bar on more than one occasion.

Jinkx Monsoon of Drag Race fame has been the face of Broadway as of late with gigs on Skid Row and in Chicago (taking after Bravo superstar Arianna Maddox, who was in close contention for this list!). If you know her, then you know she’s simply like no other. She would be an EXCELLENT Faithful.

If your FYP looked anything like mine last summer, then Lily Benson was everywhere despite never having seen a single episode of Big Brother US or UK. To say that I looked forward to new clips of her every day would be a gross understatement— it literally got me through the day. I was gutted when she left. An incredibly polarizing character, Lily is known for being the queen of Chinese takeaways and for being the most obnoxious person in the room at all times— but she doesn’t care, because she’s just Lily. She would bring such a light to the often tense castle, and her devout loyalty would make her an incredible Faithful (but the murders would be super hard on her).

Patrick: Joey Essex (Love Island), Frank Grimsley (The Circle US), Tonya Harding (Dancing with the Stars)

When Joey Essex, or as I call him, Johnny Tsunami, showed up on the most recent season of Love Island UK, his mere presence single-handedly ruined the show for them. But I didn't have any history with Johnny Tsunami (I don't watch Growing Up in Essex or whatever that show is called), so I could just get a kick out of his shenanigans without any baggage. I mean come on, how funny was, "When I say 'secret,' you say 'mission!' SECRET...(silence)." I still quote it. And The Traitors is just full of secret missions! That could be the name of the show!

I wanted some more representation from the US version of The Circle (still my #1 favorite reality show of all time - Netflix, give us a call. I have some ideas...) and Frank came right to mind. A fan favorite, I feel like he could be a strong Traitor or a believable Faithful. He showed all of those qualities and then some on The Circle.

It probably seems like I watch Dancing with the Stars! I don't think I've watched that show since like 2007. I think I just have the makings of a good reality show casting director. I didn't know that Tonya Harding did Dancing with the Stars (you don't have to believe me, but it's the truth), I was just looking for someone who would seem really suspicious because...well...

Taylor: JoJo Siwa (Dance Moms), Ziwe Fumudoh (Comedian), Cole Escola (Comedian)

I’m going to be honest, I initially chose JoJo Siwa because I also had Abby Lee Miller, and that Dance Moms reunion would have been iconic (I need another Abby Lee “JOJO!” so bad), but alas I had to cut Abby from the list. That said, I’m picturing a Tom Sandoval-esque redemption for JoJo here. She’s notorious for being one of the most annoying celebrities ever, but would that attention-seeking behavior work to her benefit here? Perhaps. She would be a Faithful, but may not make it long simply due to her getting on everyone’s nerves.

Ziwe. Miss Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss. She HAS to be a Traitor. I think a lot of people might suspect this, and honestly, they should, BUT I know she’d live for the challenge. If you’ve ever watched her show, then you know a round-table ain’t got NOTHING on her. Period.

Cole Escola, who recently made waves for their writing of and performance as Mary Todd Lincoln in Oh, Mary! on Broadway, is a reality personality waiting to happen. They are hysterical, but more importantly— incredibly quick. They make every audience member and interviewer eat out of the palms of their hand… which is also why they’d make an incredible Traitor. Escola and Ziwe would definitely sacrifice Ethan Klein early on, letting Trisha get the final blow at the Round Table.

Patrick: AJ Befumo (TikTok), Nikki Blonsky (Actor), Rob Rausch (Love Island USA)

I'm sorry, but I just need AJ to give us five big booms anytime that someone dies.

Speaking of Cameo stars, I feel like our list is very Reality Show Mt. Rushmore and too need-to-touch-grass internet-y, so let's go with someone who's had a bit of a renaissance online but is actually best known as an actor, Nikki Blonksy. "Good morning, Ardoss Castle! There's the Traitor who sleeps next door! You can't stop the murder!" The jokes write themselves...

Just like Joey Essex, Love Island USA's overall-wearing Rob (do you think he would wear the overalls in the castle?) is a tv man to his very core. This guy knows how to stir shit up. I know that Taylor has tried claiming all of the Traitor spots, but I think this one is a must.

Taylor: J. Alexander (America’s Next Top Model), David Archuleta (American Idol), Scott Disick (Keeping Up with the Kardashians)

When I tell you I was OBSESSED with America’s Next Top Model as a kid…I can’t even explain how deep it goes for me. I spent so many nights laying awake, fantasizing about what god-awful makeover I’d be given at the top of the season. But when it comes to ANTM, few are as iconic as Miss J. Alexander. In the same way that Carolyn was a walking GIF-generator, J. would be gagged, clutching their pearls episode after episode. But when she’d strike, it would STING. After Ethan leaves, Cole and Ziwe would recruit her.

David Archuleta was my first American Idol crush (no pun intended….) and I love it when he continues to pop up on my social media from time to time. He would not only be a great faithful, but he would be a great, demure, level-headed addition to this gaggle of personalities. I think he’d get along well with Lily Benson and Mike White.

Say what you will about the KarJenners— no one can deny the chokehold Scott Disick had on us growing up. He is a one-liner machine and I know that being around so many big personalities wouldn’t faze him one bit. His sarcastic demeanor would immediately make people think he’s a Traitor, especially because he probably wouldn’t care to do much to dispel the rumors.