Video Store Rental Reviews #6: Death to Smoochy (2002), Rock of Ages (2012), Nighthawks (1981)
DVD reviews in the year 2024.
Netflix holds roughly 6,500 titles.
Max and Peacock are about the same.
Hulu has a bit more, at just over 7,000.
My local video store has over 31,000 distinct titles that don’t disappear at the end of every month.
Here are reviews for three of them:
Death to Smoochy (2002)
Tells the story of Rainbow Randolph, the corrupt, costumed star of a popular children’s TV show, who is fired over a bribery scandal and replaced by squeaky-clean Smoochy, a puffy fuscia rhinoceros. As Smoochy catapults to fame - scoring hit ratings and the affections of a network executive - Randolph makes the unsuspecting rhino the target of his numerous outrageous attempts to exact revenge and reclaim his status as America’s sweetheart.
section: comedy
If you haven't seen Death to Smoochy (and if you didn't catch it in 2002 then it seems, at least according to relevance on the internet, you probably haven't caught up to it since), it's practically impossible to explain coherently. The film is a mash-up of Barney-like pink rhinos, noir-style crime, Nazis, comic sans, black goo on hot dogs, and Jon Stewart rocking the worst haircut imaginable.
$50 million down the drain. A box office bomb, terrible reviews.
But it's actually pretty good! Sharp, witty, insightful. It's just a Danny DeVito-directed mess.
So let's play a game I'm calling Explain! That! Quote!
I'll provide a quote and, with the context and synopsis provided, you try and guess what is happening during that moment. (Here's a tip: you'll never guess.)
Quote #1: What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that?
Answer: This is a non-stop ad-lib from Robin Williams, known in the film as Rainbow Randolph, when he plants cock-shaped cookies on the set of Smoochy's (Edward Norton) new television show, an act of revenge for stealing his time slot.
Quote #2: He slams the door, he stomps his feet / He sends me to bed with zilch to eat / His temper's bad and he's a slob / He's bitter because he lost his job
Answer: This is a song Smoochy sings to his audience of children titled "My Stepdad's Not Mean (He's Just Adjusting)." No kids, Stan isn't the enemy. Unless, of course, "he is ever abusive to you or Mommy" and in that case, make sure to call (the kids respond in unison) 9-1-1!
Quote #3: That fuckin' Randolph has seen his last rainbow. We're going to find him, cut off his balls, and shove 'em up his ass.
Answer: Actually, I think this one speaks for itself.
Rock of Ages (2012)
A small town girl and a city boy meet on the Sunset Strip, while pursuing their Hollywood dreams.
section: musicals
I've never seen Rock of Ages on stage, but I have now, unfortunately, seen the film Rock of Ages. I would imagine it works better live, particularly in a place like New York, because the show is dramaturgically one degree away from theme park pavilion revue. With some flashy lights and Broadway-level talent (Jeremy Jordan, Will Swenson, Kerry Butler, and Nick Cordero all did the show at some point - with folks like Constantine Maroulis and Dee Snider bringing their rock resumes to add some authenticity), I can see how the show could play like American Idol with a dash of plot thrown in.
The movie, however, is much more concerned with above-the-title names than people who make sense for the vibes of the piece, much less people who can actually sing. When Mary J. Blige arrives at roughly intermission time, I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, a singer! She is obviously excellent. Coming in a distant second to her is Constantine Maroulis (he opened the off-Broadway, Broadway, and National Tour productions in the leading role), when he gets...one lyric in a cameo appearance. Julianne Hough is serviceable and the fourth (and final) person who seems to be able to hold a tune is...you didn't guess it, Paul Giamatti. Everyone else sounds like the people I try to avoid at Wok & Roll happy hour.
Now, it is very unlike me to dedicate an entire review to pooing on something, so let me get to the point: Tom Cruise. Let's ignore the singing because it's very clearly not him or at least not entirely him. I just can't believe he made this movie. He did this in between a Mission: Impossible entry and the first Jack Reacher film. He also hasn’t made anything but action since. A lot of people (on Twitter) ask, "Why didn't Tom play a part like the one he played in Magnolia again?" and the truth is, he did in Rock of Ages. Although, as you can tell, I can't really recommend this movie for a variety of reasons, I can recommend it to folks looking for more fun Tom Cruise. He's zany, scratches his balls a lot, yelps out Bon Jovi and Def Leppard, and hangs out with a pet monkey. It's an increasingly rare, if not extinct, kind of role for him.
Nighthawks (1981)
When one of Europe’s most lethal terrorists shows up in New York, an elite undercover cop is assigned to take him down by any means necessary.
section: thrillers
Nighthawks is a movie that feels like it should be serious, but just isn't. And that's why I dug it.
Sylvester Stallone (just before Rocky III and First Blood) and Billy Dee Williams (fresh off playing Lando Calrissian) play undercover cops who just try to catch dudes doing randomly bad things. Luckily for them, this is pre-Giuliani New York, so bad stuff happens all the time. How do they do this, you ask? Well, Stallone dresses up like an old lady and tries to look vulnerable so he can get robbed. This is how the movie starts. This is not a serious movie.
Because they are very good at this, Sly and Billy Dee get transferred to the newly formed ATAC (Anti-Terrorist Action Command) just in time for the arrival of Rutger Hauer (in his Hollywood debut), a terrorist who spends an equal amount of time bedding women as he does blowing stuff up. And, oh yeah, his character is named Wulfgar. This is not a serious movie.
Directed by Bruce Malmuth, it's written by David Shaber (The Warriors), with cinematography by James A. Contner (Cruising) and production design by Paul Sylbert (Hardcore). And just like all of those decade-straddling films, it's stuck between the flashy flamboyance and the down-right dirty that defined filmmaking of the late '70s and early '80s. Those vibes are why I like those movies and why I like Nighthawks.
Credit: Each plot synopsis from Letterboxd via TMDb.